You are not alone in this fight

I’ve suffered from depression and Anorexia B/P type throughout my teens. Summer 2019 I hit my lowest and after a suicide attempt, we all agreed the safest option would be an admission on a psychiatric unit. At the age of 17, I ended up in an adult inpatient unit. This is where I got a further diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. I’d never heard of borderline personality disorder (BPD) before and in a weird way, when I read into it, the diagnosis gave me some sort of comfort; it helped me to understand why my emotions and impulsivity were always so heightened and gave me the validation I needed.

However, this didn’t make living with mental illness any easier. Living with borderline is exhausting, every day is different. Our brains never shut off, obsessing over every little detail, trying to control everything in our heads is painstaking, one minute you feel really motivated and ready to conquer anything then the next you could be feeling so low and suicidal, it’s like a rollercoaster up and down constantly and I can only describe it as battling my own mind in a war zone. The worst part is waking up every day not knowing what’s going to happen and the anxiety of how you are going to feel.

However, I’m so grateful to have an amazing team of family friends and teachers around me who have stuck by me through the hospital, home life and sixth form and continue to help me battle through day in day out.

Borderline personality disorder needs a lot more awareness and it’s extremely complicated yet there’s a lot of stigmas attached to it. We aren’t manipulative. We aren’t attention-seeking. We aren’t bad people. We just want someone to support us and tell us things will be ok. For anyone struggling with any mental illness things do get better you aren’t alone in this fight. It won’t be easy it is exhausting but it’s worth it. I never thought I’d be alive for my 18th birthday, never mind spend my 18th birthday with a load of strangers on a psychiatric ward but I did and I’m grateful to still be alive and continue to fight not only for myself but for those suffering too.

25th May 2020 marks 6 months since I was discharged from hospital and while on my road to recovery I wanted to do something to raise money for mental health and raise awareness. November 2020, marking a year since I would’ve been in hospital, I’m trekking the Sahara desert over a period of 5 days for a mental health charity to not only raise money and awareness but to show.

To anyone suffering you're not alone in this fight, stay strong because things will eventually get better!